Classic car mechanic – Remember when…..

‘In the corner of the workshop, Olli Ragbin sits watching events unfold before him’

I’ve got to that age where most of my conversations start with one of 3 phrases;

“I used to have one of those….”

“I remember when I…..”

“Blimey, do you remember that time when….”

It’s as if you reach a certain age in life and you get this insatiable desire to relate everything you see to something from your past. A vain attempt to prove to your audience that you are still a functioning human capable of storing memories and happy to prove the point by ‘at-will’ regurgitation just to show that you are still relevant.

So this week, in an attempt to prove relevance, I will be demonstrating amazing feats of non-specific and fairly hazy remembering, linked tenuously (at time, thread-bare) to stories from the workshop.

Prepare for slack-jawed wonder to descend upon you all.

First up, shrimp eye Justin has been tinkering with one of his Minis. I’m not sure how many he has (maybe 1, maybe more). This one though has now had a ‘performance enhancing’ spoiler fitted.

I am not sure what element of performance has been enhanced, but it does look kinda trick.

(As you can see, the first owner ticked the ‘blinding yellow with chequered flag' box on the options list. Any suggestion that this car is anything other than completely original will be given shrift shorter than, well, something of measurable shortness.)

I remember when (brace yourselves, memory regurgitation about to commence) I was maybe 6 or 7. I had an Scalextric set. I wanted the ‘800’ which has a load of loops and banked curving. I got the ‘100’ which was one solitary hoop. That was it. Oh, and a couple of Brabham-esque race cars. The real excitement was the gift of a new car (which arrived the following Christmas). It was a mini clubman. Every time I see one of these I am drawn to remember the absolute utter wanting I had as that 7 year old… desperate to get hold of this car I had dreamed of.

There was another model as well. A martini 911 turbo. I look back and can see a direct correlation from my childhood cars to my adult tastes. I’ll put a pound on the table that Shrimp eye had a Scalextric set.

Ingrid passed the first part of the motorcycle test recently, so has immediately suggested to Eric (in terms of significant and forceful certainty) that perhaps they should have a look at an upgrade to her current 125, in readiness to being released onto the roads with something of more significant heft.

Eric, not one to miss the nuances of Ingrid’s ‘suggestion’ packed the family motor and immediately headed toward a big barn which sells motorcycles.

https://www.themotorcyclebarn.co.uk/ are up in Bucks and have a fairly broad and diverse choice of whipery for which to dally about on during a pleasant day's sunshine.

I remember a chum of mine bought one of these. Even at the time they were a touch on the psychotic side. A 4 cylinder 2 stroke 500cc grand prix style engine, probably as environmentally friendly as turning one of your old chlorofluorocarbon fridges into a motorbike and pinging off into the middle distance leaving a trail of broken ozone above you.

This particular one is going for nearly £27k. Guilt-free riding only available on parting with a chunk of change and probably planting enough trees to cover Wales. If you can do that, then enjoy the ride.

This week Dr Ray has taken his exercise regime up a notch. Every lunch hour from Wednesday onward, he has made his excuses, nipped out the back and up-ended a 66 Vauxhall just to do some leg presses with a white Alpine.

(I agree it’s unusual. Most folk go for a red Alpine for leg presses. White for bench pressing. The Doctor always has kinda gone his own way on this sort of thing).

What you can see nestling in the background of the leg-pressing Doctor is in fact an old car of mine (again, I believe that ‘back in the day’ is the appropriate phrase here). A lovely XJR Jag. 2005 vintage. 400 horsepower and a sports exhaust. The current owner is prepping him for sale. If you’re interested in a ‘steel fist in a velvet glove’ sort of car, then none come much more steelier or velvetier than this bad boy. Give Eric a tinkle and behold the ‘big amount of car/modest amount of cash’ equation in all its splendour.

And so to Ingrid’s next steed. What is an appropriate motorcycle to take your next step on the road of motorcycling enjoyment?

My word. This is an absolute beaut. The folk at the motorcycle barn have this super-low mileage BMW F800R in stock, in sporty BMW paint scheme with a fab Rotax parallel twin 800cc engine to keep you moving forward.

As with all things Ingrid owns, a name is required. I may have made Ingrid particularly nervous with my ‘leave it with me, I’ll come up with a something’ suggestion, but on a serious point, a name she needs. So what are the criteria?

Well, the registration plate of the F800 would lean toward her being called ‘Helen’. But this has been ruled out on account of it being Ingrid’s sister’s name. Nobody would be allowed to ride a bike named after a sister, so that’s out of the question.

I enquired about gender and was told in no uncertain terms that it was feminine (you can tell by the single exhaust apparently). So my immediate 3 suggestions of Bryan, Desmond and Horacio are completely off the table.

‘I want it to be named after the patron Saint of safe motorcycling’ Said Ingrid.

Er…. I’ve had a look and I don’t believe such a person has been beatified as yet.

And so my only suggestion of something that comes anywhere near this sort of (completely unreasonable) brief is ‘Santa Clara’..... Apparently it was she who enthused that pleasures in life should be simple. A modest motorcycle seems appropriate here.

So will Clara fit the bill? Will Bryan, Desmond or Horacio find their way back on the table once re-read and the realisation that they are indeed suitable names for motorcycles lands? Will Doctor Ray sneak away in the dead of night and turn up next week with an RD500?

At CCM, anything is possible.

So, from all the team, Eric, Siobhan, Dr Ray, Shrimp-eye Justin, Young Chris, Izzi, Ingrid, Alfie and a yet-to-be-named motorcycle (code-named Bryan), have a great day.

Olli

(This week’s ‘car of the week. Broken down and rescued from a pub car park. Eric assures me that no one nipped inside for a ‘quick half’ during any part of the recovery process)